Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob: "...these are the lockers of learning...these are the fountains of learning..."

Patrick (pointing to the stairs going downwards): "I suppose these are the stairs of learning."

Spongebob: "No patrick." *walks over to the stairs going upwards* "These are the stairs of learning"

Patrick: "WOW."

Spongebob: "And now, the room with the most class, the classroom!" *laughs the irritating spongebob way*

---

Squidward: "I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts."

---

Mr. Krabs: "Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly."

---

Squidward: "People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?"

Plankton(VERY loudly) : "YES!"

---

(In this episode, spongebob uses squirrels as jokes for his stand-up comedy and the townsfolk make fun of sandy)

Sandy: "Stupidity isn't a virus... but it sure is spreadin' like one!"

---

Fairly Odd Parents

Timmy: "The cockroaches continue to show single-mindedness. Whereas Cosmo continues to show empty-mindedness."

---

(If you watch the show, you'll know that Cosmo is Timmy's fairy god parent that disguises himself as a goldfish in Timmy's room)

Cosmo: "I'm swimming in my own toilet... AND I LIKE IT!"

---

Simpsons

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Bart: "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Homer: "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."

Principal Skinner: "That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them."

Homer: "D'oh!"

Milhouse: "Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"

Comic Book Guy: "Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

Chief Wiggum: "Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the...uh...what cures cancer?"

Homer: "Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"

Homer: "You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity."

Homer: "Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems."

Homer: "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"

Mr. Burns: "I'll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."

Ralph: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me."

Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Krusty the Clown: "And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold."

Homer: "Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk."

Dr. Nick: "Inflammable means flammable? What a country."

Homer: "I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

Homer: "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

Bart: "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows."

Homer: "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

Homer: (Trying to get out of going to church) "And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!"
God: "Thou hast forsaken My Church!"
Homer: "Uh, kind of ... but ...."
God: "But what?"
Homer: "I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
God: [pause] "Hmm ... You've got a point there."

Bart: "Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson."

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Ham?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Pork chops?"
Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal."
Homer: "Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

Scully: "Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?"
Homer: "Yes." (lie dectector blows up)

Marge: "Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday."
Homer: "Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend."

---

Family Guy

Meg: "Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything."
Boy: "Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night." (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

Quagmire: "My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did giggittygiggydoo that girl. I gashmogied her gaflabity with my googus. And I am sorry."

Peter: "Lois, my penis belongs on stage!"

Tom Tucker: "A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?"
Diane Simmons (sighs): "Ghostbusters, Tom."
Tom Tucker: "No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said"

Stewie: "Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good."
Brian: "Whatever you gotta do..."
Stewie: (flips notepad): "Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts."

Stewie: "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over."

Peter: "Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play 'I Never.' You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did."
Cleveland: "Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on." (They all drink.)
Joe: "I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife." (Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: "alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom." (Only Quagmire drinks.)

****About 33 drinks later****

Peter: "God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence."
Quagmire: "Oh God." (Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: "I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself."
Quagmire: "Oh come on!" (Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: "I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics."
Quagmire: "Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck!" (Drinks more and passes out.)

Bonnie: "Somebody save him, he can't swim!"
Peter: "Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick."
Lois: "Peter, he's a paraplegic!"
Peter: "That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!"

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"

Lois: "So doctor, is Peter healthy?"
Doctor: "My goodness, you'll be dead within a month."
Peter: "What?"
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): "Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you."
Peter: "So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?"
Doctor: "Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month."
Peter/Lois: "Argh!"
Doctor: "This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die..."
Peter: "Argh!"
Doctor: "...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts."
Lois: "Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!"
Doctor: "Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer."
Lois: "Oh my goodness!"
Doctor: "You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought."
Peter/Lois: "Oh!"
Doctor: "My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out."
Lois: "What?!"
Doctor: "It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-"
Lois: "Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?"
Doctor: "Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat."

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Auctioner: "Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute."
Quagmire: "Fifty bucks."
Auctioner: "She had nine STDs."
Quagmire: "Forty-five bucks."
Auctioner: "And when we caught her she wet herself."
Quagmire: "Fifty bucks."

Peter: "Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, Oooooo."
Brian: "Peter, those are Cheerios."

Lois: "Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different."
Stewie: "Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells."

Peter: "I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life."
Guy: "OH MY GOD!"
Peter: "No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead."

(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration)
Peter Griffin: "Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea)"
Peter Griffin: "Pea... (he sees a woman crying)"
Peter Griffin: "... tear... (he sees a Griffin fly by)"
Peter Griffin: "... Griffin. Peter Griffin"

Stewie: "Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."

Stewie: "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."

Stewie: "I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie: "DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN!"

Stewie: "So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!"

---

oh my god. so many fucking funny quotes.

hahahahaha

Labels: random

Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob: "...these are the lockers of learning...these are the fountains of learning..."

Patrick (pointing to the stairs going downwards): "I suppose these are the stairs of learning."

Spongebob: "No patrick." *walks over to the stairs going upwards* "These are the stairs of learning"

Patrick: "WOW."

Spongebob: "And now, the room with the most class, the classroom!" *laughs the irritating spongebob way*

---

Squidward: "I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts."

---

Mr. Krabs: "Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly."

---

Squidward: "People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?"

Plankton(VERY loudly) : "YES!"

---

(In this episode, spongebob uses squirrels as jokes for his stand-up comedy and the townsfolk make fun of sandy)

Sandy: "Stupidity isn't a virus... but it sure is spreadin' like one!"

---

Fairly Odd Parents

Timmy: "The cockroaches continue to show single-mindedness. Whereas Cosmo continues to show empty-mindedness."

---

(If you watch the show, you'll know that Cosmo is Timmy's fairy god parent that disguises himself as a goldfish in Timmy's room)

Cosmo: "I'm swimming in my own toilet... AND I LIKE IT!"

---

Simpsons

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Bart: "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Homer: "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."

Principal Skinner: "That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them."

Homer: "D'oh!"

Milhouse: "Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"

Comic Book Guy: "Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

Chief Wiggum: "Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the...uh...what cures cancer?"

Homer: "Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"

Homer: "You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity."

Homer: "Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems."

Homer: "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"

Mr. Burns: "I'll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business."

Ralph: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me."

Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Krusty the Clown: "And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold."

Homer: "Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk."

Dr. Nick: "Inflammable means flammable? What a country."

Homer: "I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

Homer: "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

Bart: "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows."

Homer: "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

Homer: (Trying to get out of going to church) "And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!"
God: "Thou hast forsaken My Church!"
Homer: "Uh, kind of ... but ...."
God: "But what?"
Homer: "I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
God: [pause] "Hmm ... You've got a point there."

Bart: "Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson."

Homer: "Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Ham?"
Lisa: "No."
Homer: "Pork chops?"
Lisa: "Dad, those all come from the same animal."
Homer: "Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

Scully: "Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?"
Homer: "Yes." (lie dectector blows up)

Marge: "Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday."
Homer: "Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend."

---

Family Guy

Meg: "Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything."
Boy: "Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night." (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

Quagmire: "My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did giggittygiggydoo that girl. I gashmogied her gaflabity with my googus. And I am sorry."

Peter: "Lois, my penis belongs on stage!"

Tom Tucker: "A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?"
Diane Simmons (sighs): "Ghostbusters, Tom."
Tom Tucker: "No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said"

Stewie: "Now, I'm going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwhich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good."
Brian: "Whatever you gotta do..."
Stewie: (flips notepad): "Something good... something good... You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile... but you have smelly dog farts."

Stewie: "Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over."

Peter: "Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play 'I Never.' You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did."
Cleveland: "Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on." (They all drink.)
Joe: "I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife." (Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: "alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom." (Only Quagmire drinks.)

****About 33 drinks later****

Peter: "God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence."
Quagmire: "Oh God." (Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: "I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself."
Quagmire: "Oh come on!" (Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: "I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics."
Quagmire: "Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck!" (Drinks more and passes out.)

Bonnie: "Somebody save him, he can't swim!"
Peter: "Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick."
Lois: "Peter, he's a paraplegic!"
Peter: "That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!"

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?"

Lois: "So doctor, is Peter healthy?"
Doctor: "My goodness, you'll be dead within a month."
Peter: "What?"
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): "Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you."
Peter: "So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?"
Doctor: "Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month."
Peter/Lois: "Argh!"
Doctor: "This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die..."
Peter: "Argh!"
Doctor: "...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts."
Lois: "Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!"
Doctor: "Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer."
Lois: "Oh my goodness!"
Doctor: "You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought."
Peter/Lois: "Oh!"
Doctor: "My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out."
Lois: "What?!"
Doctor: "It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-"
Lois: "Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?"
Doctor: "Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat."

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Auctioner: "Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute."
Quagmire: "Fifty bucks."
Auctioner: "She had nine STDs."
Quagmire: "Forty-five bucks."
Auctioner: "And when we caught her she wet herself."
Quagmire: "Fifty bucks."

Peter: "Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, Oooooo."
Brian: "Peter, those are Cheerios."

Lois: "Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different."
Stewie: "Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells."

Peter: "I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life."
Guy: "OH MY GOD!"
Peter: "No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead."

(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration)
Peter Griffin: "Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea)"
Peter Griffin: "Pea... (he sees a woman crying)"
Peter Griffin: "... tear... (he sees a Griffin fly by)"
Peter Griffin: "... Griffin. Peter Griffin"

Stewie: "Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside."

Stewie: "Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster."

Stewie: "I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie: "DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN!"

Stewie: "So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I'm afraid i'm not good for you!"

---

oh my god. so many fucking funny quotes.

hahahahaha

Labels: random